Hey. Hello.

If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you’ve been told that you have Resting Bitch Face. You’ve probably even admitted it yourself, maybe bought a shirt about it, laughed about it, embraced it.

Me, too.

But…stay with me here…what if we retire RBF?

Not your face. That’s your face. You can’t do anything about it. I mean the the term.

Don’t roll your eyes at me. I have a point. Hear me out.

What, exactly, does it mean when you say you have Resting Bitch Face? Unless you’re living somewhere with a different meaning to this (is there even a different meaning to this?), this means that, when you’re sitting with a relaxed face, not talking to anyone, you look mean. Unapproachable. Unhappy. Y’know…like a bitch.

Generally, this is also meant to describe people who are sweet or friendly when you get to know them. The joke is often in the irony that they “look mean” when they’re probably the kindest people you know.

So let me get this straight: you’re a nice person. A giving one. You’re friendly, and funny, and kind, and probably a hell of a lot of fun to be around. You are, in fact, not a “bitch.” So what, exactly, makes your face bitchy? That you’re not sitting around with a stupid smile on your face all day? That your face is just resting? What, exactly, is bitchy about this?

“C’mon, Arianna,” you may say, writing Sensitive Sally on my forehead in permanent marker, “it just means that I come off bitchy when I’m sitting still. Y’know how some people just look friendly? I don’t.”

OK. Uh huh.

Says who?

I guarantee that if you think back on it, you weren’t the first person to describe your resting face this way. YOU weren’t the first one to ascribe some sort of wrongdoing or unkindness to simply sitting there. I bet you a shiny fucking dime that, as you sat and simply existed, which you have the goddamned RIGHT to do, someone else decided to advise that you didn’t look friendly enough for them.

And therein is the problem: after that, you took on someone’s opinion as a truth about yourself.

That person was intimidated by you, because you didn’t seem soft enough, or demure enough, and they decided that this was a failing on your part, not on theirs. And, because we’re often too polite to tell people such things, we laughed it off and decided that it must just be true.

“Why else would someone say something like that to me?” You probably thought.

I’ll tell you why: Because it’s easier to say “I made assumptions about you because you look mean” than it is to say “I made assumptions about you because I’ve been conditioned to believe that an unsmiling woman is unpleasant.”

YOU are not the problem. You do not have Resting Bitch Face. You have a normal, resting face. This is about how others have chosen to interpret you, and in my case, at least, I’m done labeling myself with names others have chosen for me, just because I don’t want to rock the boat.

The next person to say I have RBF is going to have to answer some uncomfortable questions from me:

“What about my face is bitchy, exactly?”

“I wasn’t really looking in your direction. Did you feel I was frowning at you?”

“It seems that my sitting here makes you feel uncomfortable. What facial expression would make you feel better, exactly? Would you prefer I just leave the area?”

At best, I figure they’ll stammer and apologize and rethink the way they approach me. At worst, they’ll think I’m…well…a bitch. But then, at least, I’ll deserve it this time.

All this to say: if you’re cool with the moniker, that’s okay. But if you’re not, if you’re ready to retire it and to change the way you describe yourself, then just know that you’re in good company. You’re allowed to sit and think without pasting a softened smile on your face. You do not have to be gentle or overly-serene in order to be kind, just like you don’t have to be angry or bitchy in order to be strong, or emotionally constipated in order to be tough. You’re allowed to exist without judgement, just as anyone else is. And the sooner you model that, the sooner others will pick that up and do with it what they will. What do you have to lose?

And what’re they gonna do? You know they’re too scared of you to say much anyway.